After Dinner Speech Joke and Humour Document Samples


I asked the chairman how long I should speak for this evening and he said; “Speak for as long as you like; but we’re going home at ten.”


Before I start my speech, the management of this hotel have asked me to point out that the sign in the gents ‘Wet Floor,’ is a warning not an instruction.


Before coming here today, I was forced to give my wife a lecture on home economy; and believe me there are going to be some changes. For starters I will be giving up drinking.


I am afraid I have 2 disappointments for you today; the [eg Prime Minister] couldn’t make it;---but our next speaker could.


John told me 2 years ago, that he had joined a support group for procrastinators. I asked him recently, "How are you getting on?" and he said, "We haven't met yet.


I am sorry to report that # was in trouble with the Police recently for alleged assault, although he swears it was self defence. He was in B&Q, when an elderly man with orange overalls asked him if he wanted decking.


On the way here I stopped in the local village and asked a man, “Which is the quickest way to [place you are at]?”

He said, “Are you in a car or on foot?”

I said, “In a car”. He said, “That’s the quickest way.”


Another sign of growing older is, when you are faced with two temptations; And you chose the one that will get you home by 9 o’clock.


I am not trying to say that Dave is a bad driver; but I would feel safer being driven home by Richard Hammond.


One of the most bizarre MP’s expenses claims ever,was John Prescott's toilet seat;---it was a brave man who lifted the lid on that one.


After a difficult period, I am delighted that the caravan industry is doing well again and they have even revived an old song for their new advertising campaign; 'Portaloo Sunset.'


The joke was so funny, it almost made Andy Murray laugh.


I had a cheque returned yesterday from my Bank marked, ‘Insufficient Funds.’ I rang to ask if it meant me or them?


After the MP's expenses scandal, it is rumoured that the inland revenue are going over everything with a fine tooth comb. They are investigating [Football Club] for claiming for silver polish for the last twenty years.


In this period of recession, we all need to be shrewd and save money where we can; and even criminals are having to use all of their guile to survive;---and some are very clever. 2 weeks ago my wife and I had a nice surprise; somebody put a pair of theatre tickets through our door with a message, ‘Guess who these are from?’

So we went out and had a lovely evening, but when we got home our house had been ransacked; and on our dining table was a note, ‘Now you know.’


Even Banks are trying to save money nowadays, although to be fair to them, they did give me a calendar at Christmas;---even though it only had 3 months on it.


Business is so bad nowadays, even the people who have no intention of paying aren’t buying.


Apparently, Snow White has had to lay off 4 of the dwarfs.


There is one consolation though, in 20 years time we will be calling these the good old days.


I am not saying my home town is dull; but the definition of a Grimsby playboy is somebody who stays up to watch News at 10.


With the bar in mind, I stopped off this evening to get some money from the hole in the wall:

As I was taking the cash, a tramp came up to me and asked if I could spare any money.

I said, “ If I were to give you any money, would you spend it on drink?”---He said, “No sir.”

I said, “ Would you be spending it on cigarettes then?”---He said, “No sir.”---

I said, “ Would you be spending it on gambling then?”--He said, “No sir.”-–

I said, “ If that is the case would you please come home with me, so I can show my wife, what can happen to somebody who doesn’t smoke, drink or gamble.”


Pete was actually very lucky to qualify as a teacher. He was asked to put on a form the two main reasons he wanted to be a teacher; And he put, ‘July and August.’


Geoff is so short, he’s the only man I know whose feet appear on his passport photograph.


Even when Tim started Primary School, it was apparent he was different from all the other 5 year olds; He was 11.


He has taught me how to leave a Casino with a small fortune. We go in with a large one.


Eric comes from an old RAF family, his grandfather actually fought with Douglas Bader. Unfortunately it was over a woman in a pub.


There was a time when a Solicitor was one of the best paid professionals; but that is no longer the case. I called a plumber out the other day and he charged me £80 an hour.

I said, “Eighty pounds an hour, my Solicitor doesn’t charge that”

He said, “I agree, I didn’t charge as much as that when I was a Solicitor.”


Before departing, I would just like to leave you with a thought. Why is it, all the people who know how to run this country, are too busy driving taxies or cutting hair?





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